D’arcy is 2.

A few pictures of D’arcys day.

Irks me.

Sometimes I read stuff on-line  and it really does irk me. Like “solo parenting” and what a struggle it is. And “solo bedtime” and “solo bath time” I dunno. I guess as I am a solo parent ALL the time it gets to me.

I don’t think the world owes me a favour, but I have feelings and sometimes reading stuff like that makes me want to shout “I DO IT SOLO ALL THE FREAKING TIME”

Maybe see it as some one on one time with your child. Not about how hard it is, being a parent is hard full stop. Maybe stop to think about those that are doing it solo ALL of the time. Not just single mums, as there as there are single dads out there too.

I never set out to be a single mum and to be honest, all the other single parents I follow on Twitter didn’t set out for it. But for me. It was a choice I made to leave an abusive relationship. I don’t want to be single, nor a single parent. But that’s what I got right now. Unfortunately.

 

Just want to add. Many of us, single or not. Us mums [sorry dads] do most of the work, we do the bath times, we do the bed times. Even with the partner in the house. You still do it. So, if they aren’t there it doesn’t make any difference other than under your breath you’re not cursing them for not helping. The phrase “solo parenting” gets thrown around so often. It IRKS ME

1 pound for a pound.

I really struggle with losing weight thanks to the lovely syndrome that is PCOS having this makes it so hard to lose weight, although it can be achieved, it’s just very slow. Almost to the point of standing still.

It’s so frustrating when I see others losing weight and they aren’t eating as healthy as I am, or exercising as I am. Like a friend of mine [in real life] who has lost 15 pounds in a month. Argh. I am so pleased for her. But seriously where is my loss? *cross face*

Anyway, today FINALLY I have lost a pound. It’s not much but considering I have been stuck at the same weight since 5th Sept. I am over the freaking moon.

Okay so that isn’t entirely true. I was 12’9 on the 5th Sept. I then gained 3lbs whilst in Mexico. I lost those in 2 weeks. Back to 12’9. Okay I can deal with that. October comes, nothing lost. November the same. December, well, I gained 5lbs!! [fat cow] but I lost those by the 3rd week of January. So back to 12’9. It was like my body wouldn’t go below those 9 pounds. Can you imagine how frustrated I am?

So, today is a good day. For I have broken that 9lb barrier. Today I am 12’8!! And my god I feel great.

Me guilty? Probably. Maybe.

I suffer so badly with feeling guilty. Guilty over doing things with my kids, or not doing. I worry if I am doing enough, if I am nurturing them enough.

I look at D’arcy and I am so proud of her, she started walking at 9 months, amazing. Her level of understanding is also amazing. She is very clever and responds to commands and understands consequences, such as TV off if she does this, or does that. But her speech? It’s just not happening. I worry it’s to do with her tongue tie, and I worry it’s to do with her dummies. But mostly I worry that she is going to have special needs like her big sister. It scares the hell out of me if I am honest.

I encourage her to talk, but she gets moody. I try to read to her, she normally jumps down, takes the book and throws it. She’s not interested. We do colouring, I always name the colours, she ignores me. It’s so frustrating, when I see other kids, younger than she is talking, proper words. And here D’arcy is, and can literally say “no” “mum” “bye” “shoes” and what sounds like “see later” but not that clear. Oh and “juice” none of these words are pronounced properly but well enough for me to understand them. But by nearly age 2. She should know a lot more words, she should know colours, or some at least. If I ask her get me the pink crayon. She sometimes gets it, fluke maybe. But mostly she ignores me. I tell her one. She holds up one finger. See she knows what I am asking of her.

I guess this time around I want to go at her pace, but is that too slow? With Caitlyn, before I knew she had her needs. I literally made her grow up too fast. Sat her down to do learning, I made her grow up too quickly, became her teacher. Numbers, words, colours.  Kids need to enjoy their play I think, not be made to learn so young? After all they will spend so much time at school learning. I didn’t want to force D’arcy like I did Caitlyn. I am not a fan of pushy parenting. But then I sometimes think I am too lazy with her? I don’t know. I am quite active with her, she goes out a lot to the park, goes to toddler groups, see’s lots of other children her age. Goes to soft play. I play with her. But not loads. Only so many times I can drink pretend tea and colour in. Maybe that’s the key. Maybe it’s not enough.

Competitive parenting is much more common these days thanks to the internet. And I worry I am not doing enough when I see others do things. I can’t afford to take my girls to places every weekend. That gets to me.

They are loved and they are well looked after, but is that really enough? I just know I feel guilty.

No more chances.

A while ago I posted a blog about C’s nanny. And since then all she has done is lie to her further about sending her money. So I’ve replied. I am still rather angry, but this is what I have to say. Which is in response to her last message to Caitlyn which is filled with more excuses.

This is June’s message.

caitlyn i havent been able to put the money there yet so sorry …. but i had an emergency … will definitley do it on monday and i have to take your account details as i also forgot them so sorry but you will have them soon….. xxxx

And my reply.

June. It’s Kirsty.

Caitlyn is really upset that you have let her down. You were the one that said you were going to give her money and £100 at that. She never asked for it, it was your idea. An idea I wish you never mentioned. You posted it, then your friend posted it, then it was wait till payday then it will be in bank, then it will be tomorrow, only to follow with another excuse.

I wish you never bloody told her. She has been super excited about having some other spare cash to get her own trainers with and to go to the cinema with her mates. But she couldn’t do that. She won’t take my money as she has been waiting for yours. Caitlyn see’s things very black and white and right now she just thinks you are a liar and you have let her down.

That is the main reason I stopped Marlon from contacting her. Cause all he did was let her down. She is devastated right now.
Since the 23rd December she has been waiting for the £100 you promised her.

I’ve since told her that you won’t be paying it and it was really unfair of you to tell her that you were.

I really get pissed off with people letting her down. And I won’t have it.

So there we have it. I am expecting a reply. No doubt with another promise of sending her the money.

So June replied. I knew she would. I’m not going to bother replying, nor is Caitlyn. But she really must think I’m stupid to believe her. Anyway. Here’s what she had to say.